Held Thoughts
by fanfictional
Summary: I know I'm late, but I wanted to write my version of the eclare talk. So, Clare and Eli meet up at Adam's New Year's party and have the dreaded talk about where they're going now. Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or its characters.
1. Chapter 1

Winter break was quickly coming to a close, and Eli was scared out of his mind. He and Clare were supposed to be talking about everything that happened at the Frotival, but he was still confused on where he wanted to be. Hhe had considered that he shouldn't worry at all, because she could have changed her mind and not wanted to tell him through text or over the phone. He was about to et some answers though, because he was walking into Adam'shouse for the New Year's party he and Drew (mostly Drew) were throwing. Eli, Clare, and Dave were the only people Adam had invited. Fiona was bringing Imogen and Dave was bringing Alli, so Adam had a few people on his guest list. Eli could hear the music from outside when he stepped out of his dad's car. "Are you sure you want to walk home? It's cold tonight, and I don't mind getting you even if it's late" Bullfrog's gruff voice brought Eli out of his thoughts.

His parents weren't as laid back as they once were, but Eli had come to appreciate their new found protectivness. It could be annoying, but he liked knowing someone wondered if he was doing well or where he was. He smirked at his dad and answered, "Don't worry so much, Bullfrog. You'll give yourself more grey hair." He liked that he could still joke around with his parents, and he was reclaiming his lost freedom little by little.

Bullfrog nodded and drove away after they said their good byes. Eli turned back to the Torres home and watched the people mulling around, hooking up, and drinking to their heart's content. This was only on the outside of the house, so Eli knew that Adam's parents must have gone on vacation at least for the night. He walked through the crowds and past the make shift danc floor in the den in search of Adam. "Eli! Glad you could make it; Clare's been talking about seeing you here pretty much since break started." Adam's words had a slight slur to them, and Eli made a mental note to check on him later to keep him out of trouble.

"Oh, cool. Where is she? I wanted to talk to her about everything." Eli had told Adam about what had happened with Clare to ask for advice. Adam had told him to be careful, but his parents had said the same thing when Bullfrog told Cece.

Adam looked around the room as if she would appear suddenly but must have given up soon after. He turned back to Eli swaying a bit on his feet. "She's not here yet I think." Adam laughed at his oddly formed sentence and took another swig of something in a red plastic cup.

Eli sighed and snatched the cup from Adam's hand. He sniffed and smelled the distinct odor of whiskey in the drink. "That's enough for now. Let's save some for everyone else", Eli joked. "If you see Clare tell her I'm waiting for her in the back yard, okay?" Eli had to ask, so he could make sure he hadn't spoken too quickly for Adam's foggy mind. Adam nodded and stumbled away, so Eli made another mental not to be sure Adam was passed out in his bed before leaving.

He walked out the back door onto a wooden deck and looked up at the sky. He had pictured a hundred ways this scenario would play out, but Clare could be so unpredictable. He was lost in the stars and his thoughts and didn't notice the girl watching him carefully from the doorway. Clare was trying to decide how to make her presence known. She thought of so many things that would start this conversation but finall settled on the simple, "Hi."

Eli turned at the sudden intursion of sound but smiled a little at the sight of Clarfe shyly looking at the ground. It was comforting to know that they were both unsure in this situation but scary knowing it was like the blind leading the blind. Eli cleared his throat to buy time and answered with, "Hey." Even to himself he sounded unsure, but that was how they were starting. "Do you want to sit?", he asked as he motioned to a bench nearby.

Clare looked at the bench and then at Eli before nodding. They sat down a fair distance apart in silence. It wasn't the comfortable silence they had once shared but an awkward silence that was unfamiliar between the two. "I guess we should have that talk?" Clare tried to sound confident, but her statement became a question toward the end.

"Yeah, I guess we should." Neither wanted to officialy start the conversation, because there was no good way to start the possible make up or break up of their fledgling friendship/relationship. It couldn't even be classified with one word.

"Do yo-"

"Why di-"

Both had started speaking at the same time and looked away in embarassment when they stopped suddenly at the same time as well. Eli being the gentleman he was said, "Ladies first." while motioning to Clare.

She wished for a moment that chivalry was dead, because then she could have made Eli continue his sentence instead. "I just wanted to know what you think about all of this. You asked that day we had lunch if I thought we could pick up where we left off, and I didn't have an answer. Now I'm wondering if you still think it could happen." Clare watched a beetle run along the deck instead of looking at Eli."

Eli thought about he wanted to answer her, because his answer wouls set the tone for this entire copnversation. He opened his mouth to speak, but Adam fell onto the deck in a fit of laughter. "Ha! Did you see that? I fell!" He continued laughing hysterically as the tension between Eli and Clare went unnoticed. Adam's senses seemed to come back to him for a short time, because he looked between them, and his eyes went wide. "Oh! You guys are having 'the talk'. My bad, I'm just going to find a drink." he wobbled as he stood but made it back inside where they heard him yelling that no one could go outside, because Eli and Clare were "having a moment". Clare blushed a deep crimson, and Eli opened his mouth to finally give her an answer.

**_So, tell me if you like and I'll continue. Sorry to stop it when he was about to tell her, but I hope it's not wh_ _everyone's thinking or this is pointless. _**


	2. Chapter 2

"Two weeks ago I would have killed for the chance to hear you even considering this, but this isn't two weeks ago. I've been told on more than one occasion now that I should be careful and not jump head first into the relationship I nearly killed myself for. I care about you, but I don't think I'm good for you. You literally outshine the sun and make the most heinous person strive to be better, but I made you more cynical. I suffocated you and manipulated you. I think this is you missing the happy feelings that come with relationships, and we've both changed. We may not be compatible anymore." It hurt Eli as much to say it as it hurt Clare to hear. He had pined for her from afar for so long, but he couldn't go back to where he had been after all the progress he had made toward being happy.

Clare forced her tears back as she was slapped again and again by his words. "You're not jumping in head first, because we were laughing and having fun together just like we used to. And you made me a better person. I was always smiling with you, and you made me laugh all the time. I said those things, because you scared me, and I wanted to make sure that you were hurting like I was. I shouldn't have said that, because you never manipulated me and the anniversary of Julia's death was right there, so of course you were being a little clingy. I should have seen that, and you're better now. Adam told me your room is completely clean, and you've been doing really well with your medication."

This was nothing Eli hadn't told himself before. He had been looking for arguments against everything, but they had changed and that was his strong hold. "We have changed. You can't say that you're the exact same person you were then. You started a relationship with Jake _weeks _ after you left me in that hospital. I was still using a cane! That's how long you waited to decide you had gotten over your feelings for me, and that was after yelling at me for being heartless! I never would have thought you could do that. There's also the matter of what you said that night at Jake's cabin." Clare had been preparing her protests, but his final statement had left her dumbfounded and she stared him in confusion. "I was going to make sure you were okay when I heard you talking to Jake. You said that you had considered kissing me to get back at him."

Realization mingled with humiliation in Clare's face. She had been sure they were completely alone that night, and she recalled being serious about what she said. "I was stupid to even think about that! Jake had just kissed Alli, and I was so hurt and you were being so sweet. I waned to kiss you, not just to get back at Jake." Clare knew he wouldn't believe her, because she wouldn't have believed him had their positions in the argument been reversed.

She looked at him through tearful eyes and silently begged his forgiveness. The worst part was she saw it. He had already forgiven her, and she hadn't had to ask for it. "That's my point though. The Clare I pined for and thought about non stop is not the Clare standing here talking to me. If Jake hadn't showed up when he did, if you had kissed me for revenge and then gone back to him, did you even think about what that would do to me? If you were willing to do that to me, how can I trust you again?"

The air around them was silent. Clare was trying to make him understand that she was the Clare he wanted, and Eli was trying to contain his anger and hurt. She saw the feeling of betrayal written in his eyes, and he saw how sorry she was in hers. Clare finally realized that, while she had been yelling lies at Eli, he was yelling the truth at her when they broke up. She had ripped his heart out and, even if he didn't say it, she had stomped on it, put it in a blender.

"How can I fix this?", she asked. She was laying her heart out in the open, and it was his turn to do the ripping if he chose.

Eli knew he wouldn't stay angry with her, because he did care about her and probably always would. "I'm not putting all of the blame on you, because I hurt you too. We both said things we shouldn't have during and after our break up, and I still care about you. I propose that we hold off on jumping back into a failed relationship. We've changed, and we should get to know each other again first. Besides Adam's been bugging me about when the misfits reunion is, and you know how I hate to disappoint. So, friends?"

Clare wanted to cry harder. Eli had just taken her heart, dusted it off, and put it in a protective barrier for her, always for her. He had every right to hate her, and he was asking her to be his friend and not giving a definitive no to a future relationship. "Friends. Should we go tell Adam?"

"No need! I've been listening to you two ramble on for forever!" Adam sprang out from behind the door he had stumbled in earlier. He seemed no more sober but more aware. "The misfits are back to take the world by-" He cut off quickly and returned all of the alcohol he had consumed that night.

Clare and Eli laughed together at the sight, and they knew that the misfits were going to survive. "Okay, buddy. Time for bed.", Eli said in between laughs

"I'm not tired yet!" Adam sounded like a small child talking back to his parents.

Clare stepped in to help. "Come on, you don't want to be too tired tomorrow, do you? And Eli and I were going to do something tomorrow, if you'll join us.", she cooed sweetly. She looked to Eli with the question on her face. He nodded that they would be seeing each other the next day, and both smiled.

"Okay, but I want ice cream and I better not be a third wheel!", Adam whined. Eli took pictures while Clare scolded him jokingly, and together they took Adam to his room and put him to bed. They would be okay.

_**So, that's the end. I hope they weren't too OOC for anyone, and tell me if I should do some kind of sequel. **_


End file.
